


God Hates Me

by A_Billion_Sorrys_918



Category: Altar Boyz - Adler/Walker/Del Aguila
Genre: Are you expecting anything else besides that from me?, Bullied Mark (Altar Boyz), Catholic Guilt, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Friendship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nightmares, One-Sided Attraction, Trigger Warning In Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29892870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Billion_Sorrys_918/pseuds/A_Billion_Sorrys_918
Summary: Abraham figure Mark out after he has a nightmare.
Relationships: Abraham & Matthew (Altar Boyz), Mark & Abraham, Mark/Matthew (Altar Boyz)





	God Hates Me

**Author's Note:**

> TW FOR THE F SLUR, AND HOMOPHOBIA, AND MINOR VIOLENCE, THOUGH NOT GRAPHIC.
> 
> Yes, this is another Mark coming out to Abraham fic. Are any of you guys honestly surprised? Hey, I love Abraham so much and I kin Mark myself, so I need to give him a break.

Mark has just woken up, gasping and rushing to drink water. His throat felt dry.

Why did Mark always feel so scared of nightmares? Most of his nightmares were of small things, such as losing his voice before a big show or, even worse, watching himself do horribly during a concert. Sometimes, if bad enough, his dreams involve Matthew rejecting him, but even that's uncommon. This one wasn't that.

Mark doesn't know what he was thinking of that led up to the dream. It's a Wednesday morning, and he's in the van that he shares with his best friends. His only friends. The ones in the band. Those who may ditch him the second he tells them, and Mark just isn't ready to deal with the loss of very few friendships that he has in the first place.

God, Mark does not hope he woke anyone up. He slowly moves his wrist to check his watch. 4:30. Must have been a bad dream, if Mark woke up this early. He's more of a sleepyhead than Luke, even, but no one can tell.

Mark tried to close his eyes and fall to sleep, hopefully not going right where he left off. But, the thought of sixth grade was too much to bare.

Sadly for him, Abraham was an early bird, and he 𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 wakes up this early to write his songs.

Mark often worries for Abraham's sleep schedule. Abraham goes to bed at twelve, and gives himself four and a half hours, if he's lucky, just to get some sleep so he can wake up early to finish his songs. He was dedicated, Mark would give him that, but not very careful.

Matthew doesn't wake up too much after that, but he gets a good amount of sleep (9PM-5PM). If the same is true today, he'll be up soon, too.

"Mark? Are you awake?" Abraham asked, putting his mini flashlight he owns to his face. Mark covered his eyes from the bright light's of Abraham's flashlight. 

"I'm awake 𝘯𝘰𝘸." Mark exclaimed, rolling his eyes at the boy.

"Oh, well sorry to wake you."

"It's fine. I wasn't really sleeping in the first place."

"Hey, it's actually funny that you woke up. I wrote a song for you." Abraham said, giving him sheet music. "We could debut it at the next tour. It's not really finished yet, but I was expecting you to have a killer riff in the end, and I need your input to see if you're comfortable with the song. You know, how it's in your range."

Mark seized the sheet music from Abraham's hand, and looked at the song.

EPIPHANY - BY THE ALTAR BOYZ. 

Mark knows the definition of Epiphany: A realization. But, in Catholicism, it's January Sixth, a very important day for them. The manifestation of Jesus Christ. Mark was thankful for Abraham, who did enough research for the group, despite his Jewish heritage, just to write songs for them. 

Mark seemed to enter after eight beats, and the lyrics were ink black, on those five pages of sheet music. The song was most likely three and a half minutes, just looking at the sheet music. However, if what Abraham told him about the riff was true, it'll end up being about four minutes. Maybe, even exactly four minutes. Mark put the memories of those older boys in sixth grade behind him, and read Abraham's song.

Intro:

I look into your eyes and I see the pain you hold inside  
Aren’t you tired of the lies you tell so you can hide  
I look into your eyes and I see the pain you hold inside  
Aren’t you tired of the lies you tell so you can hide  
(What if my friends don’t accept me)  
I know  
(What if my parents reject me)  
I know  
But you won’t truly be you  
Until you can say

Mark prepared for the worse. This better not be what he thinks it is.

Chorus

I, am, a Catholic  
That’s me, I believe in the Holy Trinity  
(One, Two, Three)

Thank the Lord. Abraham can't find out. Not today of all days, and expect him to come out on a stage, that has a few hundred people. Not happening, Mark won't allow it, and he wouldn't allow anyone to even suspect something. Those neighbors did, and that didn't end well for him. Thankfully, it didn't end well for them. Matthew knocked some teeth out.

"Anything to help you, Mark." Matthew would proclaim, as he continued to tell the rest of the bullies to leave Mark alone, or they'd be bruised. The same way Mark was bruised by them. Matthew makes it very clear they were doing the same thing to Mark.

Mark was friends with Matthew since that day. Who is he kidding, Mark has 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 Matthew since that day, and not in the way most people loved their friends. Oddly, Mark felt wrong with Matthew, yet 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 with Matthew. As in, he shouldn't like him. Not in that way. But it was so 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 to ignore his smile, every time he entered the room.

Shout it out and make them hear your voice  
Your posse might not think it’s dope  
To confess your sins, and like the Pope  
But this is who you are, it’s not a choice  
(Not a choice)

"Abe, where did you come up with this?" Mark slightly giggled, but Abraham's face was a neutral one.

"You inspired me, Mark. Read the rest. I think you'd like it." Abraham had a small grin, but it wouldn't even be noticeable if he wasn't right across from him, with a candle right in front of him.

Verse 1

You say you’re sleeping in  
When you’re going out, to mass  
You cut school on Ash Wednesday  
So nobody will ask  
Your rosaries hid in your sock drawer  
(Oh no)  
You sneak into church through the back door  
(Oh no)  
Time to break out and break free  
And finally say

Wow, the research that went into this song is something Mark can applaud. He didn't even expect Abraham to know what rosaries 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦.

"This is far in my range." Mark commented.

"Attaboy!" The high fived each other, both hands warm above the fire. "I really like it so far." Mark said. "I'm not even on the bridge."

"Oh, I'm not finished with the bridge yet." Abraham responded. "I've done about half of it. I actually woke up to complete the song, but I'm glad you were up. I wanted you to see it. To see if it's good for you, because we can lower the key.'"

"Don't do that." Mark said. "Make it higher. It could be like an Andrew Ranellis situation."

"Bold choice." Abraham took the sheet music to change the key, but then gives it back to Abraham.

"Still well in my range." Mark winked.

"I should be more shocked than I am."

Chorus

I am Catholic  
And I’m proud  
Sing it strong, sing it loud  
I won’t deny who God meant me to be  
Every night you kneel and pray  
Stand up and be counted today  
Out of the cloisters, and into the streets  
(Into the streets)

The end of the sheet music. Mark assumes the rest of the song is just the unfinished bridge and another chorus, eventually to the riff Abraham keeps mentioning. Mark gives the sheet back to Abraham, but he doesn't take it back. "I think it's your turn to be bold." Mark said. "𝘖𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴"

"Awesome, right? Look, I know this is out of your comfort zone, but I think you would do splendidly with the song, if you tried hard enough." Abraham patted him on the back. 

"Abe, this is a very good song, and I don't mean to be rude-"

"Oh, and I had another good idea. Obviously, don't do it if it's too hard, but you can talk about those kids in sixth grade, who bullied you, before Matthew showed up, and you called him your guardian angel. How's that?"

Mark really wishes he could be nice right about now, but he read this song at 4:50 in the morning to 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘵 about sixth grade, not to go back to that time. He was only eleven, and twelve when he finally got help.

"You're very well meaning, Abe." Mark said. "But, I don't think I can sing the song, as brilliant as it is. And I cannot talk about sixth grade, period."

"Oh." Abraham's enthusiasm was becoming dim. "Of course, you don't have to sing it, if you're uncomfortable. But, it would be nice of you to consider it. I've been working on it for twelve hours straight. Have a good night, Mark."

Abraham takes the sheet music and leaves, but Matthew comes in before he can do that.

"Hey, you two. What are you working on?"

No. Matthew can't come in. Not now.

"Oh, Abe showed me a song. We're probably not doing it for the concert, though." Mark responded, glaring at Abraham to not say anything else.

"Right. That's it. It was a feeble attempt." Abraham claimed.

"Can I read the song? Matthew asked."

Abraham went up to Matthew, and showed him the song. "Epiphany." He read the words. He flipped two pages, but stopped, with a troubling look on his face. "Abraham, this is very good, but we need to talk about it." He whispered a few words to Abraham, who whispered back. Mark hated whispers, because it's like people are talking behind his book. Back when he was in school, his classmates, particularly his female classmates, would whisper about him. Mark even heard Matthew getting involved.

After a few minutes of whispering, which felt like hours to Mark, Matthew eventually walks out the door. "Oh, Mark." He said, looking back at the two before he goes. "You're fine. Everything is fine." With that, he exited.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Be honest with me." Abraham held Mark's wrist. Please don't let this be what Mark thinks it is.

"Why did they bully you? Those kids, I mean."

It is what Mark thinks it is.

"Because, I'm a Catholic. I told the story many times." Mark says, but Abraham shushes him.

"There's more. I can tell. Mark, I won't tell the others what you answer this next question."

Mark nods in agreement, but tells he won't answer honestly.

"Mark, do you have a crush on Matthew?"

Mark panicked. "No...I mean yes...no, I was right the first time. I don't."

"I really don't think that's true."

"Fine. It isn't. Happy?"

Silence for a few seconds, as Mark can feel Abraham judging him.

"Go tell the other boys. While we're at it, go back to those kids and tell 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 that they were right about me all along. That they bullied me for a good reason. Ooh, and tell them I had a nightmare about them. Tell them that ripping off my hair and trying to mimic my voice changed who I was as a person, and made me scared."

"Mark. Breathe."

Abraham and Mark did some breathing exercises. Mark was lucky Abraham was so calm. It must come from Abraham dealing with Luke and Juan, also having equally bad breakdowns. Mark was different than them. He was sensitive. The other two were better at hiding it.

"What makes you think I'd tell anyone?" Abraham let go of his wrist to take his hand.

"I don't know. Maybe because it's not normal. Or, better yet, maybe because God hates fa-"

"𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬! Don't ever say that!"

Another fifteen seconds of silence. Really what Mark needed, right now, and he wasn't being sarcastic. It's nice to have silence, just to process things, and what he's trying to say.

"You know I don't believe in God the same way you do. It's right after my introduction in our opening song."

Mark needed to giggle, even if his stomach still hurt due to hyperventilation. 

"But, I know that God, the way both of us believe in him, has nothing against gay people. And, he does 𝘯𝘰𝘵 hate you."

Mark was about to talk, but Abraham continued to speak.

"And, why would any sensible person hate you, or anyone in this band, as a matter of fact? We're odd, but so is everyone? Besides, we've both seen so many audience members swooning over Matthew. You're honestly no different from them."

The two boys laugh, thinking about the girls. Even, thinking about Mark's reaction to them. "Abe, thank you so much."

"Aww, come here."

Abraham puts Mark in his arms. "I'm so glad you told me."

"Oh, by the way, I might sing the song. I don't know if I'm fully there with talking about the-"

"Episcopalian thugs?"

Mark gasped. "𝘈𝘣𝘦! I have never heard anyone describe them like that."

"Am I wrong?" Abraham pointed up at the sky.

"Yes! Well..."

Abraham playfully punched him, and he was thankful to have friends. And, maybe someday, he will eventually speak of his feelings for Matthew, and the torture he faced as a child. Meanwhile, at least he knows he has friends.


End file.
